Saturday, 19 November 2016

X Days Left

Countless hours of deep thoughts and mind-boggling contemplation, eventually led to a final decision. I'm leaving next month. Leaving without a next stop yet. Ever since it's been finalised, time seems to move much faster. I'm constantly aware of the tiny gears of the clock spinning its hands incessantly, and every day I check the calendar and recount the days left as if a meteorite is expected to crash Earth. I want to make the most out of my time left here. I have all those places I want to visit or revisit, so many places I just can't get enough of, and so many that I know for certain that I will miss no matter how many times I go there. I want to make sure that I will walk away feeling fulfilled and with no trace of regret. When I'm on that plane or even years later, I want to think back and recall that I didn't waste any time.

When I think about it, I feel like I'll never be satisfied in that sense. It feels futile to try to convince myself that I will somehow close this chapter feeling fulfilled. That my efforts will eventually lead me to saying that it's over and I'm ready to move on. It is, after all, a great experience to live in a different country, a rich everyday and non-stop experience that is full of new encounters every day. Regardless of what I do, it's undeniable that a part of me will miss it and wonder what if stayed, what am I missing. Thoughts of how I could enjoy it more will always float in my mind. Memories made here, faces and places will be engraved on my mind but will always call back to tell me I could have done more. It doesn't matter. I will still try to make the one month that I have here worth it. Everything else will come later.

I suppose it's in our nature to feel unfulfilled after a part of our life ends. We graduate feeling like we could have done so much more while we were students. We grow up and feel like we wasted parts of our childhood instead of living it. It's unavoidable. Even if you know that you enjoyed it. So, don't let yourself lie to you. Be confident. Write it down. I am living, and I'm living to the maximum.